I just ranted out loud to my wall.

I close my eyes and feel whatever I think I feel and realized that I cannot tell what I feel. My eyes shut hard as if I'm trying to create the colors in the darkness that I do when I'm bored. I do that. And then I open my eyes and hear the ringing you hear in silence and think of how much I'd like to be next to someone. Subtle feelings of aloneness.

dwindling

We are kindred spirits, you and I. You said so yourself actually. It made me feel really good. I think the reason for that was because it's true. Genuine thinkers of the same mind but are not afraid to have differences in opinion. And I will be sad because you are leaving soon, and the string I thought might have been there will be tangled in a mess of knots and bows. I hope I can see you. Just please don't change too much because I adore you in a differently strange way. Or maybe you could just not leave.

The Answer

 

So watch your step or you might fall

You act like you're a know-it-all

Yeah, I used to do that

We can read and drink cinnamon tea together. We can enjoy silences  and midday talks. We can watch a dozen movies until we fall asleep. We can go outside to star gaze and listen to 40s music. I could listen to you play and sing for as long as I can. It would be a nice life, don't you think?

I love Edgar Allan Poe.

I would love to have bread with my words. But what consciousness beckons from the lack of open eyes? My years are short and what do we permanently do but die? I arrange my thoughts into perspective of my darkness and wind my fears into a coil of temptations. These will not pass by the wall of superiority for they strain out those who believe they can have bread with their wine. If most of what they say is true, some who have made their own truth will give up at glance and climb the wall of steps to the permanency of life. They are aware of what they do on the other side; they cannot find a way down, so they jump.Other people with original truths will simply walk around it. Their only disadvantage is that they do not know what is on the other side. A fate in the cracks of the walls that is defined by a red paint. Their monsters are shred down to their ears so they become the bread with their words.

Passionate words derived from a lonely being

And in hell there are no walls
At least in heaven there are corners which we fall back on
Where every angel hides
to wait for repentance that they’ll never receive
They spend their god awful lives just waiting
 till they forget why they’re there
and slowly, their bones carve themselves into a devil
That they thought they left behind

they ask if it is art yet cannot define it themselves

A desire to go nowhere. What do you do with that? You want something so desperately yet the result is out of your control. No, it is that you both want the same thing yet you imagine it with togetherness but they seek it still. What do you do with that? I suppose the answer is nothing. But I do so endearingly want it. 

Suppose you stroll on in to a coffee shop and see someone you used know. They have their coffee black, and they sit in the corner table looking out of the window, blankly. Do you approach them?

Indiscreetly washing the lies from the floorboards
Promotes an optimism in youth
A persistence of things not of dillusions
Only things of tangible happiness
 

Ah, what a lovely moment it is
When you've found your red string
Where it starts
Where it ends.
And where it will prosper to be

---

You know you're in love when you don't want to sleep, because your reality is better than your dreams

Seuss

I'm always skeptical of snowflakes.

He said he was lonely
And it upset me
Until I realized
That why I was not at ease
Was because of the state

Alex's Playist

Not my brother Alex, but another Alex.
All my favorite songs

Kiss With A Fist - Florence And The Machine
Ghosts - The Head In The Heart
White Winter Hymnal - Fleet Foxes
Peter Pan - Jinja Safari
Run - Daughter
Awkward - San Cisco
Caring Is Creepy - The Shins
Fist Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes
The World At Large - Modest Mouse
Let Me In - Snowmine
Forest Eyes - Jinja Safari
Youth - Daughter
Good Day - Jukebox And The Ghost
Quiet - Non Tiq
The Woods - Daugher
All The Rowboats - Regina Spektor
Landlocked Blues - Bright Eyes
Daylight - Matt And Kim
Marvelous Things - Eisley
The Best Thing I Found - Rabbit!
Mountain Sound - Of Monsters And Men
At The Bottom Of Everything - Bright Eyes

Good Day - Jukebox The Ghost

 I wrote a song today. Here's some of it.

The only reason why we believe in love

Is that we need something to make time of

And you know it’s kind of sublime

For something we took just too much time

To remake and recreate

Into something that illuminates our world

Into something beautiful, but dull

Cause we blocked it with our

Selfish words and upsetting habits

That take our love and then smashes it

Into the well of eternal grace that punishes you not, but wins the race

People only say something is fate because they cannot explain it.

Kiss With A Fist - Florence And The Machine

The one who feels the nonthingness that envelopes the earth
Yes, the nothingness
Is the one to fear most
For all she's doing is waiting
To stop breathing
And fall
The one who feels the emptiness that is foreign to this place
She is wise
And she watches the downfall of your chest
The one who feels the nothingness
Is dangerous to herself
She is waiting
She is waiting for an anxious care
But she will not receive the given
For she has become the depiction of the world

And tell me, where did the thirst go?

First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes

New favorite song at the moment.

"Adventures Of Mark Twain - Mysterious Stranger"

Apparently this episode was banned after one airing on tv.

"Why me?"
"That's a very earthling question to ask, Mr. Pilgrim. Why you? Why us for that matter? Because the moment simply is. Have you ever seen bugs trapped in amber?"
"Yes."
"Well, here we are, Mr. Pilgrim, trapped in the amber of this moment. There is not why."

      - KURT VONNEGUT (SLAUGHTERHOUSE-FIVE)


Favorite quote. 

Next Reading List

I did not read Frankenstein because I just didn't feel like it. So here's my next:

Beatrice and Virgil by Yann Martel
Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
and then I checked out this one book of Bradbury's short stories.

The cool part is, that I get to reread Fahrenheit 451 which is awesome!

---

I went to the gym yesterday with my friend. I feel kinda better about myself. It felt nice but I'm still not all that content. 

Ants

A couple days ago, my friend and I were having a conversation about ants. She said to me that you can tell a lot from a person by the way they treat ants. There was a couple seconds of silence and I asked her to explain. She said that there are those who go out of their was to step on them, and those who try not to step on them. I then added that there are people who are too busy or in a rush to think about stepping or not stepping and those who think too long until it's too late. You can tell a lot from a person by the way they treat ants.

The Woods - Daughter

Update: Fall Reading

1.) Catcher In The Rye J.D Salinger

2.) Alice's Adventures In Wonderland Lewis Carroll

3.) Through The Looking Glass And What Alice Found There Lewis Carroll

4.) Frankenstein Mary Shelley

CATCHER IN THE RYE
Was interesting and very meaningful. A very boyish book, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. In the book, the narrator (and main character) Holden goes through getting kicked out of a boarding school and ends up leaving everything and not going home for sometime. I goes through him meeting and reacquainting with many people. He is lost, but has the most interesting views on life and where he would and wouldn't go. He has a creative humor throughout the whole book, and also a sincerity about him. I would recommend this to almost everyone.

ALICE'S ADVENTURE IN WONDERLAND
I was not hesitant to pick up this book. Alice In Wonderland is one of my favorite story lines and favorite movies, I just had to read the classic, and it was fantastic. As far as the writing goes, it was very creative, but also written like a mature storybook. Although confusing in numerous parts because of the wigged out ways of Wonderland, it was enjoyable. I loved reading it and Carroll's views on things through the characters. Even though the concept itself is not-so-serious, there were really good discreet points and lessons that were made. Absolutely wonderful. [cue pity laugh] 

"If everybody minded their own business," the Duchess said in a hoarse growl, "the world would go round a deal faster than it does." -Alice's Adventure In Wonderland [Lewis Carroll]

First Love Never Dies - Soko







The melody makes me sad.

Trees

There's this tree behind my school and it's the coolest thing, I swear. It looks almost dead, but about half of it has green leaves and the ends of it's branches go a little toward the left, depending on where you're standing. But my favorite tree is this one on the road to my house. It's behind a rundown Circle K and next to some ratty apartments. It's this really really tall dead tree and it looks like it split all it's branches and that's how it grew. My brother said it was his favorite tree a long time ago (I was probably around eight), I wonder if he still remembers it.


I'll post a picture the next time I get a chance to take it

Sun And Moon - Rabbit!

Book List For Fall Break

1.) Catcher In The Rye J.D Salinger

2.) Alice's Adventures In Wonderland Lewis Carroll

3.) Through The Looking Glass And What Alice Found There Lewis Carroll

4.) Frankenstein Mary Shelley

Catcher In The Rye is interesting so far. It gets very tedious from reading "goddam" as an adjective after every other word. Ah, classics.

Pomplamoose - Another Day

Jinja Safari - Peter Pan. One of my favorite bands.


I find some hope in music

How fast can one fall in love? I've heard it's a feeling you can't describe, and I'm afraid I can't describe it.

It's dangerous
It's self destruction at it's peek
Victims
Travelers
We are alone
"Don't travel" says the power
Stay down
Watch yourself
You need not speak
Or they will listen
Listen without ears
Liars
They are hurt
They are the voices
The ones in your head
Demons
They are liars
They feed on your starvation
And breathe the air you don't
They watch you
They dig your grave
Until the sky doesn't see
Demons they are
Living to watch you fall
Crumble
Run
The mock you
Liars they are
Deamons
Voices
Your controler
Stay down
You need not speak

It is a sin to know the hearts that give
And of owning one who perpetually profits
It is drinking wine before dawn
And shutting down while diligent
A mind strictly on one road
Ensconces an unbalanced head
For no one is focued
That is overdue and in it's last years 
The wine is drunken
Eyes are blind
For now you are seeing twenty
Of what you thought was one
Welcome
You've now hit the bottom


Poetry and stuff

The Insane Documentaries Of The Human Life

I associate myself with normal people in a normal school in a normal town. Everything's normal. I'm so angry that I might have become uninteresting. I want a climatic reasoning to my childhood.
I want to find the weird in the world that's up in the middle of the night, not knowing right from left. I want to know the strange, the unaccepted, they are the interesting few who have interesting stories.

I want a story, because writing is rather stressful.

I was following the pack
all swallowed in their coats
with scarves of red tied round their throats
to keep their little heads
from fallin in the snow
And I turned round and there you go
And, Michael, you would fall
and turn the white snow red as strawberries
in the summertime

My Medicine - Pretty Reckless

Yesterday I burned myself with a hot glue gun.

I am ill and emotional.

Dear Alex,
I hope everything brings you joy. I hope that you find a new adventure because it's waiting for you where ever you go. You are one of the most cherished people I have in my life and I love you. I have the weirdest, most interesting memories of you and even though you will visit, there are more to come. Thank you so much for always being there. I'm going to miss you, especially not knowing how long you will be gone.
Thank you for the songs you sing and write, the role model you have become, and being my brother. Thanks for convincing me to play the drums and guitar, for taking me to see Sucre, for showing me amazing music, wrapping presents in tinfoil, being comedic relief, and the stories you tell. I love you, and I hope you enjoy doing whatever you wish to do, as long as you're happy. I love you.

Sucre - Say Something

On My Way - Ben Kweller

Emily and the Woods - Steal His Heart

I would love to fall in love
In a deep love that I hear about
But unbreakable love is not found on this earth
Nor any other imperfect place

----
Myself:

So basically I can write whatever I want because it's my blog, and I'm going to be a girl right now:
Hopefully getting asked out on Monday which makes me happy. I've never really been liked by a guy who kept up with me and my restless thoughts, it's weird. But good weird and different. What a change.

Okay done meh

-----
Something New:

I love Greek mythology. I wish I believed it, but it seems irrational, I can still pretend right?

The Fates and Muses and Zeus and Hermes and Hestia and more are simply fascinating.

----
Normal Rants:

I hate it when people don't ask for help, when you can tell they want it. But here it is: If you don't ask, you shall not receive. Yes, I'm being a hypocrite, but that's kinda my thing sometimes, I'm human.

---

Amazing music brought to you by yours truly:

BYEEEEEEEE

We Wish The Impossible

We wish for the most improbable things. Leaving, coming, old, new, love, hate, friends, enemies, etc.
Because we all miss what everyone had or once had. We are jealous human beings that will never find peace in this world. But we also will.

See, we are all in a constant change. These changes seem lifeless or too much excitement. We are just never satisfied.

That sucks doesn't it?


I've figured life is a lot better when you look up. Of coarse when we look up we find that we are nothing in this world, but for me, that is influential to be something, not just a molecule of a population, so I want to strive for that impossible, and be extraordinary. I hear this phrase more often than you would know, but it is so relevant. I' not going to tell you what it means to me because that will be different to everyone.

So look up, there's more than just an endless sky, there's a thousand things just waiting for you to chase after. Yes, you will fail. But that's the beauty of it. Failing means that it doesn't need to be rushed, for everyone fails, take your time.


Find love in a passion, a person, or desire and go forth.



-----


I enjoy Marina and the Diamonds

Arms - Christina Perri

Things shouldn't be relevant

I've taken time to sit and think.
And my thoughts go to the same topic
This ever happen to you?
Where you just can't stop think about someone
When they should be out of your head
Sometimes I wish I could control my thoughts
But that wouldn't be much fun
Would it?

Some Good Music

Quiet by Non Tiq

Emotions Never Come From The Heart

What is an emotion?

Emotions are like reactions to things that are happening around us. Physiological Responses, they help us adapt to the world and situations we encounter.


Why do we feel pain in our hearts then?

When you feel pain in your heart, when it beats fast, or you feel "butterflies" in your stomach, these are simply sensations that the body. These simulations can cause you to think and feel certain things because they are connected to the emotion and might cause you to act upon it. 

Where do emotions come from?

Not the heart, although you are all probably saying "Well yeah, duh", we constantly refer to our emotions as coming from the heart, when really they are apart of the subconscious mind. (That's the part of your brain that automatically does/feel things such as breathing and blinking)


So, if a feeling is subconscious, why do we know we have emotion?

That is easy my friends. After your sudden feeling reaches the subconscious mind, it sends the feeling to your conscious mind and you are conscious and aware of the emotion

What impacts our emotions?

We of coarse react to certain situations in different ways, and that's why we have different feelings depending on the person. But the point of view also contributes. Telling a sad story in a comedic way can give you beliefs and opinions, which effects how you react to different things.

April Smith And The Great Picture Show

Stop Wondering by April Smith

Why Is Everything So Damn Confusing

All I want right now is a snickers ice cream thing. All. I. Want.

I'm so tired so none of this will make sense

I gots my schedule today. Fun. It's cool. Interesting. I'm just happy that I don't have too many  classes with my friends. This year is going to be all new and I'm happy 'bout that. 

Um what else asdfghjkl um

Yeah I like Tim Burton. He's cool. I aspire to be somewhat like him someday. He's amazing and a genius in my opinion although a lot of my friends think I'm weird and a little off for liking some dark things. Whatever I'm not changing.

Okay here's a picture of something I honestly don't know

Oh look, It's a panda. A cute panda. Yay.

BYEEEEEEEEE

Ever get that feeling of wanting to go insane.

What a relief that would be

I get this feeling a lot.

Perhaps
I am mad myself

Thoughts are mischievous
Hearts are devious
There are horses are running in circles
And I have no idea why
It would appear that the weary would die out
Yet I'm in a world
where the thoughtless are being told to think
The stealers are proposed to give
And the unsure are expected to leap
In a flawless creation, a simple plea
In a corrupt world of sinners
We must pry the deeds from the hands of strangers
Because we never knocked on their door
Selfishly we keep to our predicaments
And in this
We do not find pleasure on the road ahead
Simply mischievous thoughts
Inside a mind of constant self forgiveness 


-----

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream." Edgar Allan Poe